I have an addiction to food. It’s something I already knew, but I’ve been able to keep it mostly under control, and combined with my love of running and other forms of exercise, has kept me from turning into a whale.
Enter pregnancy. This is something Matt doesn’t understand. It really is almost impossible to keep my food intake reasonable. Not just the quality, but the quantity. If I were eating like a vegan, it wouldn’t really matter how MUCH I was eating. But I’m not. Instead, we are eating yummy convenient, microwavable packaged food and LOTS of it.
Something I didn’t expect was that other than pizza and other salty greasy goodness (which is just really yummy), I am actually addicted to sugar. I always considered myself a salty girl, but apparently it’s not the only thing I crave.
We are going through some seriously stressful times now. It’s true. And I don’t know that I would have noticed it if it hadn’t been for the stress. Some days are fine, some are ok. Somedays, I feel pretty stressed.. Those days we either order pizza or Matt picks up something quick from the grocery store. And then there are some days I feel like crying and like these walls are closing in on me. Then the noise and fighting start and I actually do start to cry. On those days, just before the tears work their way into my eyes, I start needing something sweet. I start looking in the cupboards and if I don’t have a stash at the time (I usually don’t have a stash) I start to look for Matt’s stash (that I wouldn’t touch under normal circumstances.). And if he doesn’t have a stash, then I break out the big guns… I make cookies. When sweets are needed, it is the only thing that helps. Hence my pleas for chocolate (thank you again Donna). These kinds of days are happening more and more often.
It hadn’t been much of an issue until lately… I have gone through a LOT of sugar the last two months.
Yesterday was one of those days. My ice cream was gone, I had eaten the rest of Matt’s zingers a few days before and used the rest of the eggs for breakfast… so cookies were out of the question. It was one of the reasons why I was so upset with not having any keys. And also why my grocery list consisted of Hugs, ice cream, fruit snacks and Starburst jelly beans. And why we had fruit snacks and ice cream for dinner.
I physically need sugar when I stress out. And I cry and have melt downs on bad days. Sugar can help keep it at bay, at least for a while. I realize that this isn’t a good thing. Not only isn’t it good for me, but it’s also not good for Speck. It’s also not good if I want to avoid upping my underwear size again before he is born.
I mentioned this to Matt today. I said “This isn’t good, it’s really not good.” Matt said “but it is what it is.” And he’s right. It is what it is. I can’t deal with going through withdraw right now. It’s just one more thing. The same reason why I don’t go way out of my way to make sure school is up to my normal standards right now and why our cat spends all day in a kennel (I just can’t deal with trying to keep her from escaping whenever the door opens). Once our house is unpacked, school will get back on track. After Katie knows where home is, she’ll be allowed outside again. And after this baby is born I’ll get back to my “almost vegan” ways.
I know it would be better to do it now… but I don’t think anyone would thank me. I would like to stay married and continue to have full custody of my children. I have a feeling (or rather, I have past experience) that trying to do something like this while already in a delicate emotional position would only cause problems… or divorce… or possibly the selling off of my children to gypsies. None of which I want to happen.
Until then, pass the ice cream please :)