How to Potty Train Your Child
1. Swear that you will keep your child in diapers until he day he graduates high school. Diapers are easier than messes and puddles
2. Plan a family trip, that will be the time that the child in question will decide that he is going to use the potty with or without your help
3. Admit to yourself that maybe potty training him wouldn’t be the absolute worse thing in the world, especially considering the alternative is finding abandoned dirty diapers all over the house
4. Buy the cutest undies you can find. It’s a lot easier to stick to it when they look so cute in the undies
4 1/2. tell yourself it’s ok if he puts them on backwards
5. Buy the grossest candy you can find (no adult in their right mind would touch those barf maggot tootsie rolls)
6. Chase him to the potty every five minutes and give him a nasty tootsie roll every time a drop is let go
7. Tell him to put the wrapper in the trash
8. Tell him to put the candy in his mouth and not in the garden hose
9. Maybe he doesn’t like tootsie rolls either
9 1/2. Buy more cute undies since he managed to go through all twelve pairs in one day
10. For several days in a row change poopy diapers right after naptime or when they wake up in the morning
11. Decide that he won’t be taking a nap until he poops in the toilet
12. Drink a caffeinated soda to help you get through the day
13. On the fifth day, throw a party the first time he poops in the toilet
14. Give the crying child a bowl of ice cream to apologize for flushing his pride and joy before daddy could see it
15. Cancel family trip (your sister is secretly happy you aren’t coming anymore since your son won’t be able to pee on her nice wood floors and carpet)
16. Laugh when he tries to pee standing up and acknowledge that there is no convincing a three year old not to do it.
17. After a week of no accidents including several outings declare success
18. eat your words when on an outing and someone you met the day before takes your son and his soaking pants to the nearest restroom while you nurse your hysterical newborn.
19. You and said stranger are now bonded for life.